This I Believe Freewriting

This I believe - interesting topic. I believe that I am beautiful. I couldn't say that 12 months ago. I could barely say it eight months ago. I grew up thinking I was ugly. I covered myself with clothing that made me not attractive just so that I could confirm what I already thought.

I was a tomboy from early on. My hair was cut short. I wore boys clothing. My mom didn't stop me. She just let me be me. I didn't see then why I was doing it. I didn't really know who me was at that point. I didn't want people to look at me. I hated when people would look at me. I got confused for being a little boy all the time. I would get mad about it and tell them I was not a boy, but I never changed it. I couldn't figure out why.

I got older and did the same thing. Occasionally I would allow myself to look like a woman, but not very often. Not only did I cover my body with clothes that weren't fitting to me; I covered my body with other layers. Food was my friend, or so I thought. I got fatter every year to hide myself; keep myself away from the world. I didn't want to love people. I didn't want hugs. I didn't want friends. I told myself all that, but it was a lie. I desperately wanted that from people, but didn't know how to say it. I was too scared. People would try to get close to me and I wouldn't let them.

Not anymore. I remember lying down in the floor one day and God simply said to me, "When are you going to let me love you?" I had never thought about it. When I started to let him love me I was then able to love myself. I was able to let go of the shame from my childhood that had kept me in bondage for so many years. I didn't have to hold onto it anymore.

I no longer had to believe lies about myself that weren't true. I wasn't ugly. I was stupid. I didn't have to be ashamed. I don't have to be ashamed. I am walking in freedom. Today I can hold my head up high and say, "Yes, I am beautiful." I'm not conceited when I say it. I'm confident.

Not only does it show inwardly, but it shows on the outside. Losing 145 pounds has allowed me take back more of the layers that kept me from letting people into my heart. I don't have to be scared anymore. I can let them in. It's ok.

Sometimes it's still hard being comfortable when people compliment my beauty, but I am learning to accept if more and more each day. I am learning to say thank you and mean it - not just say the words and walk away, only to fill my head with lies about myself later. That is not who I am anymore.

I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, and I am not afraid to tell the world. I accept me for me, flaws and all. I am not perfect, but this I know: I am beautiful and I am smart. It's ok to say those things.

As Stuart Smalley says, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me." It's truth.

Word Count: 575