Stepping Out of the Darkness

Were you afraid of the dark as a child? Didn’t you hate it when your parents would tuck you in, kiss you goodnight, then reach over and turn out the light? I remember feeling so safe when the lights were on, but at the first glimpse of darkness, I got scared. I knew the Boogie Man was somewhere in my room.

Our lives can still be shaken when we’re not expecting to be in the dark. Things are going great as long as the light is on. But when the darkness hits, we don’t know where to go, or what to do. Depression is a lot like being in the dark. The lights have been turned off - you can’t find your way around the wall to the light switch. You reach out, you cry out; you still can’t find it.

Depression is the number one problem in America. Millions of people are affected by some form of depression each year. Over half of all women and one out of three men suffer from this disease and the numbers keep growing. The good news – you can find your way out of the darkness.

My chance came two months ago. For anyone who knows me, they know I am a strong-willed person. I tend to think I can handle things on my own. For those who know me best, they know I’m very prideful. I was living life full speed ahead and like the Energizer Bunny, I kept going, and going, and going! I had many things going on in my life: two jobs and no money, taking care of my ill father, helping to raise a close relative, trying to mend a broken friendship, and losing the one thing I had left, my car. My life had officially become overwhelming!

I have always been a care taker, putting others needs before my own. Perfectionism is a number one with me, so I didn’t have time to sit around and be sad about things. I had to pick myself up and get things done. I was far too busy to let life get in the way. I thought I was handling things very well, considering the circumstances, yet apparently I wasn’t.

I don’t know the exact day, but I remember waking up one morning and the tears just started flowing and they just wouldn’t stop. Someone could smile at me and I would cry. I would spill a cup of coffee and just cry. I went to work with baggy eyes and did my best to avoid everyone. I started to shut myself off to the world. I wanted to keep myself in the dark – the one place I felt the most unsafe. “I can handle this. I’ll get myself together,” I would say to myself. This was my problem and I would take care of it, just like I had taken care of everything else.

On September 19, I woke up to find that I could barely walk. The room was spinning and my head seemed to be in another galaxy. I soon found myself in the hospital. As I lie in the emergency room dazed and confused, I overheard the doctor mention the possibility of a tumor. All I could do at that moment was pray. I don’t remember much about the emergency room visit, but I do remember praying, and God gave me peace and calmness. The good news – I didn’t have a tumor! I had Vertigo, which is a dizziness and balance disorder. Add a dash of migraines that make you think you’ve gone completely insane, and you have the perfect recipe for a wake up call! I was overjoyed when I was told I didn’t have a tumor. However, in the midst of my celebration, I began to panic; who would take care of things? What about my job? Most importantly, what about my sanity? The real darkness had begun.


In between the wonderful pain medication that put me to sleep, and the irritating blood pressure machine that kept me awake, I managed to find time to think about things. I lay there wondering where to go next. I was literally at the bottom of the pit, and had only one place left to turn to. I cried, got angry, and screamed at God, but He listened. In the following weeks I had pity parties, I had questions, even accusations. Still, He listened.

As I slowly began to step back into the light, a new friend and mentor joined me in my walk back to my faith. She began to take me through the process of understanding what had triggered my depression. Through prayer and tears I began to unfold a long list of factors: poor self-esteem, shutting off relationships, trying to please others, just to name a few. Then I realized the big one – my failure to deal with the painful things of my past. The hurts that occurred throughout my life I had just pushed aside, buried. These things were finally coming to the surface, and I had to face them head on. So much of my time was spent running from my past that I didn’t have to focus on it. Keeping myself busy and helping others to run their lives kept me from facing the true facts. The pain was in the same place I had left it, just swept under the rug.

The past two months have been a “sifting” experience for me. I’ve had to comb through the pain of my own darkness. It hasn’t been an easy task. Although the list is getting shorter, I still have many hurts that need to be checked off the list: sexual abuse, fears of an alcoholic father, and the overwhelming fear of being a failure to others. It’s amazing how much you can make yourself forget. But, the truth is, you don’t forget, you just store those things away.

I went to the Fresh Grounded Faith women’s conference this past weekend, where I received some amazing spiritual guidance. Jennifer Rothschild, the lead speaker, who happens to be blind, gave me some amazing advice. She tells us that we can either carry around the shovel and bury our hurts, or we can sift through them now and grow with them. She asked the question that I’ll never forget. “Would you rather be a risk taking, life liver, or a hole making, grave digger?” Wow! I choose to be a life liver, not a grave digger. I choose to step out of the darkness, into the light!

I still struggle in my walk, but every day, it gets brighter. Even better though, I feel the freedom of being released from the things I could not control. I no longer choose to bury the memories; I choose to clean them out and make new ones. I am building a storage room in my heart for the wonderful memories that are yet to come, like falling in love, playing with my children, and laughing with my friends.
I can’t say there won’t be darkness in my life again; I’m sure there will be. But I do know that I will be able to find the light switch faster this next time. We can know that whether the sun is shining, or there is not a star in the sky, that God is with us, and He listens! Philippians 4:13 (NIV) says, “I can do everything through Him that gives me strength.”

Does Prayer Really Work?

When you pray are you doing it for an answer or a purpose? Is it just something you think you're supposed to do? Is praying really all it's cracked up to be?

In Matthew 21:22, Jesus says, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Jesus explained to his disciples after they were amazed at the withering of the fig tree, that all they had to do was have genuine faith. And if the they TRULY believed they would receive.

There are some days I find it easier than others to just simply have faith. Especially when my mind is clouded with the roadblocks Satan has placed there.

I remember the first time I saw a prayer at work. I was about 12 years old and I went to the zoo with a friend of the family. We pulled into the parking lot and it started pouring down. I closed my eyes and prayed for the rain to stop. When I opened them the sky was completely clear. I thought for the longest time that I had performed a miracle! After that I started praying every night before I went to bed. I thought that's how I would stay protected. Even during my worse nights I never missed a prayer.

One of the few times I attended church as a child I remember when the preacher was done praying he said, "In Jesus Name Amen." I wasn't sure what that meant, but I thought it sounded cool. So that's how I ended every bed time prayer.

Matthew 21:22 came to life for myself and my family in 2006. My mom was rushed to the ER. The next day she had surgery to remove her burst appendix. By the time the surgeons began to operate gangrene had set in and her lungs had collapsed. She wasn't expected to make it through the night. She had so many tubes hooked to her and there were so many numbers on the monitors it was hard to keep up. We didn't know what to do, but saying goodbye wasn't an option. As my step-dad, Tom, sat by her side the monitor levels continued to decrease. Things weren't looking very positive.

Tom closed his eyes and prayed. He prayed for her oxygen levels, her heart rate, her blood pressure. He prayed for specifics. "If you let her get through tonight, she can make it." He opened his eyes and watched as every one of the levels on the monitor went back up. We all made it through the night, and the next week she came home.

Would she have died if he wouldn't have prayed that prayer? I don't know. It's not my place to know. But I do know this much: before Tom closed his eyes he had the most important thing, FAITH. And that's all he needed. He "believed and he received what he asked for in prayer."

As my walk with Christ grows everyday, I find myself constantly praying. I can be driving down the road and I'll turn the radio down and just talk to Him. I get up in the morning and I just talk. He may not always give me what I want, but He ALWAYS answers me with exactly what I need.

So, is prayer really all it's cracked up to be? ABSOLUTELY!

In Jesus Name, Amen.

Check out this link. It just goes to show you can have fun while you pray. http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=4030d8c365456db040dc

Last Friday I was riding in the back of the car about 5 1/2 hours from home, headed back from Dallas. AC/DC was blaring on the radio. The best part of it, I was on my way back from a Church Media Conference. Nothing like "Thunderstruck" to keep you inspired after a week long event centered around bringing media into ministry.

I had an amazing time. Not only did I refresh my relationship with God, but I laughed harder than I had in a long time. I have to say I was out of my comfort zone in the beginning, but got over that quickly. Let's just say I was surrounded by a "unique" group of people. My best friend called me to ask how the trip was going, and then asked, "Do you think you'll find your future husband there?". It took all of about 30 seconds to answer that question.

"They're either married or I'm waiting for them to pull out their light sabers and start a Star Wars battle," I said. I know that I'm going to regret saying that. God a sense of humor and I'll probably end up marrying someone with a dog named Chubacka and our first child will be Princess Laya.

Laughing aside, I learned some valuable things during my week at Mesquite (BBQ) Bible Church. People these days are burnt out on traditions and the last thing they want to do is wake up on Sunday mornings, sing hymnals, and listen to a preacher tell them what they shall not do. Not that tradition is wrong. It works for some people.

But as I see today the direction the world is headed I have to ask, how do we change that? I attended church as a child, but not regularly. I remember doing Bible drills, but none of it stuck with me. It wasn't until almost three years ago that I learned who Jesus Christ was. At least I had heard his name though. There are so many people still out there who haven't gotten that far.
So, how do we teach people about the most important person in our lives? I may not have the perfect answer, but know this much; sitting in a church pew every Sunday singing "How Great Thou Art" and hearing fro the 80th time how Moses turned his staff into a snake isn't necessarily going to teach people about the live of Jesus Christ and the free gift of Grace you can receive. Not that those things don't impact us.

I'm almost 25 years old and I'm from a generation of people that watch over five hours of television a day. We can text with our eyes closed. (Okay, I can't.) Email is most common way of communication.

You can tell us the story of the Exodus. You can put the music in our heads. But we also need inspiration from people's lives. Catch our attention! If it's not in our IPOD (Once again, I haven't moved that far in technology yet) or on our favorite television station, or incorporated somehow into our daily lives, we won't hear it or see it.

Media is doing great things for bringing the Gospel of Jesus Christ into people's lives. I have already seen the progression, but this conference really put it into perspective. MEDIA IS THE NEW MESSAGE! And we get to do it all for God's glory. AMEN!