From The Words of Beth Moore

I couldn't help but post this today - very inspiring. It's from Beth Moore's Breaking Free study.

Somewhere in the midst of my morning time with God, I ask Him to satisfy all my longings and fill all my hollow places with His lavish, unfailing love. This frees me from craving the approval of others and requiring others to fill my "cup." Then, if someone takes the time to demonstrate his or her love to me, that's the overflow! I am free to appreciate it and enjoy it, but I didn't emotionally require it! See how the love of God that permeates the life through His Holy Spirit brings freedom? Not only am I freed, I am able to free others from having to boost me up emotionally all the time. Hallelujah! Where the Spirit of the Lord's lavish love is, there is freedom!! Try it and see!

If we're not experiencing satisfaction, a hindrance exists and we want to identify it and ask God to remove it. Ordinarily, the primary hindrance to satisfaction in our lives is refusing Him access to our empty places.

Those are amazing words from an amazing woman! Too often I have found myself craving the approval of others, and when I haven't received it my heart aches. I feel like a disappointment to those I haven't been able to please. God has been working on me in this department. It hasn't been easy, but it's been a great learning experience.

I have watched a couple in their marriage go through this same thing. All the wife wanted was for her husband to acknowledge certain things she did. She wanted his approval so much on certain tasks, that she didn't focus on the approval she was getting in other areas. He wasn't filling her cup the way she wanted it filled.

I have found myself doing the exact same thing. I have tried so hard to get approval from others in certain situations to no avail. My cup is still empty when I leave them and I feel so defeated. I hold out my cup and desire for a Caffe Latte with sugar, cinnamon, and a hint of vanilla. Instead, I wind up with a cold cup of last night's decaf.

So how do I fix it? By asking God to fill my hollow places, not another individual. I need His lavish, unfailing love; not love from any other human being. So when I receive that love from a friend or family member, it's just icing on the cake. Without it I'm okay, but with it I'm even better!

Think about that next time you realize your dependant upon the approval of your spouse, friend, or someone in your family. Have you asked God to fill your cup with His love first?

Crazy Saturday

Today was both memorable and draining. This morning I woke up to Spongebob Squarepants. I got to snuggle on the couch with Caleb and watch Saturday morning cartoons. How much better can it get than that? The plan for today was to attend the Wheel of Fortune auditions with my mother. She called me at noon to say that I had the date wrong - it was next month. Blow me down! The newspaper told me wrong. That just gives us one more month to get our game plan together.

Then I came up with the crazy idea to have a mom/daughter day. I convinced Mom to go to lunch and the movies. It would be some great bonding time. After lunch we bought our tickets, drinks, and popcorn. It was movie time! We walked in about 3 minutes late and assumed that the previews were still on. After about 10 minutes of watching the same "preview" I realized that we were in the wrong movie. Oops, wrong time slot! We took our popcorn to the car and chowed down.

Here I was thinking we were headed back home, but no! We went to not one, but two grocery stores, and Walmart. She made me go shopping three times! Have I mentioned how much I despise the grocery store? Just ask me and I'll tell you. There we are standing in front of the hams picking the perfect one. Five seconds later I find myself being smacked in the jaw by a ham. How does that happen? I got slapped by a ham. Walking down the aisles holding my jaw and looking for Cheese Whiz, I thought to myself "what happened to Wheel of Fortune?" Seriously, what happened to my dream of buying an E and winning $25,000?

After dying Easter eggs with Mom and Caleb, learning from an eight year old how to dance like Elvis, and forcing him to try a bite of the tuna casserole that he refused to eat I was so ready to go home. For those of you reading this I'm definitely giving you the short version. I must say God has a great sense of humor. My day did not at all go as planned. But I think I passed the test - I stayed calm most of the day. That is a huge accomplishment for me. Have you met my mother? Ok Mom I know you're reading this and I'm kidding - a little.

That's my day in a nutshell. Life is good!

Redeeming Love

I must say that I have never been one to enjoy romance novels. The thought of reading one made my lip curl. The last thing I ever wanted to do was get engulfed into a fictional story of a man sweeping a woman off her feet and them living happily ever after. My first thought - Gag!

So, when a friend of mine said she was going to start reading this book and showed me the cover that read, Redeeming Love, I sneered. It was over 400 pages long and the word love turned me off immediately. On occasion she would rave about the book and recommend that I read it. I thought to myself, "I'm not reading a book that has to do with love. No thank you!"

Fast forward to last week. I somehow managed to have the book in my hand with a tiny bit of curiosity - although I wasn't about to admit it. I was hooked in the first chapter.

Redeeming Love, written by Francine Rivers, is a book based on the biblical story of Hosea. God has revealed to Michael Hosea that he is to marry Angel, who just happens to be a prostitute. He does as he is told and brings this broken woman out of a life filled with disaster. He loves her and fights to build a life with her. She fights to stay completely away from him. Her brokenness refuses to allow her to see the love that she deserves.

As I got deeper into the book I got deeper into the character of Angel. She was so lost, so broken. Her life had been shattered from an early age. She was used by men, raped, beaten, and completely torn apart. She hated herself and everything around her. As the years passed she learned to turn her emotions off. She built walls of stone around her, not allowing anyone to get inside her dark heart.

I related to Angel in so many ways. Suffering from my own sexual abuse as a child, I learned quickly to turn my emotions off. When people would try to hurt me I could smile at them and pretend as though I was cold as ice and nothing could hurt me; though inside I was dying. I am still like that in so many ways. I spent years building a wall that I refused to let anyone break down. I wanted to be in control of all the situations in my life so no one could hurt me. If I hurt you first, you can't hurt me. I lived by that.

God is an amazing God though! He slowly filled my life with people who have been able to break through those walls. He has filled my heart with overflowing love and forgiveness that has allowed me to realize that not everyone is out to hurt me. He has given me the power to forgive those who took part in building up my walls. Some days are better than others. I will find myself opening up and telling parts of my past that make me ashamed. My walls begin to fall, but in an instant I realize it and the walls go back up.

What I love about God is that he is patient. He will be there to help me in breaking down walls and dealing with crazy emotions forever. Forever is a big word. But God is a big God.

Michael Hosea never left Angel. No matter how much she tried to hurt him, he didn't leave. He relied on God to give him the strength to stay by her side. His anger raged at times. He had many moments of disbelief, but he stuck with it. It took years, but finally Angel realized he wasn't going to leave her; he really did love her.

As I caught myself dreaming about the love story of Michael and Angel, I became Angel. Is there really a man out there like that? I then sarcastically began to thank Francine Rivers for false hope. I welcomed myself back to reality and said, "She has painted a picture of a man that doesn't exist." I had to remind myself this book is fiction.

A couple came into my office yesterday that had been married 48 years. They began to tell me the story of how they came together.

"I asked her to marry me on our first date," Mr. Hilt said. "She said I was crazy."

"He was crazy. Still is."

I asked her why she married him. She told me that he had a great sense of humor, he worked hard and he loved his family.

"Those three things were very important to me," she said.

There they sat 48 years later. I could tell he still had his sense of humor. I could see the love for him in her eyes when she talked about their marriage.

I thought to myself, "Maybe I would like to have that after all. Maybe love isn't so bad."

Is there a man out there like Michael Hosea? I don't know. But one can certainly dream. I've learned many things from reading this book. Although it is fiction there is so much truth in it.

There are broken people out there like Angel. I was one of them. And somewhere in this crazy world God has a man picked out for me. Somewhere out there is a God fearing man who will be able to love me for me. He will be able to disregard my shameful past and love me for the person I am now, and the person I will be in the future. He will be able to break down my walls and soften my heart.

I guess you could say my thoughts on romance novels have shifted a little. This book reminded me that love can really exist. It reminded me of God's love for me. It reminded me that people really can change, and that we are all broken in some way.

1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

February 26, 2009

Today was the day. I would say goodbye to my earthly father. Oh but how I held onto my Heavenly father. Do you know how it feels to have your daddy hug you? You feel safe. You feel love. My God held onto me and never let go.

There I stood in the middle of the church watching people carry in flowers and set them around the room. They were beautiful. I sat staring at my dad’s picture just shaking my head.

“This can’t be real.”

Then he walked in. There stood the funeral director with an urn in his hand. He placed it in the center of the wooden stand, moved the picture around, rearranged the flowers, and there it was. There was my reality – but only for a moment. My heart began to race and my breathing got fast and heavy.

“God I can’t do this without You. Give me grace and mercy. Give me strength. I can’t do this without You.”

Once again I felt His presence. I felt His arms wrap around me and love on me. My breathing calmed down and I was ok.

The pastor walked in and my calmness grew stronger. He hugged me and I felt the world lift off my shoulders. The room was safe.

11:00 am

There were so many hugs – so many apologies. I was just ready for it to be over. My pastor reassured me it was going to be okay as I walked to the front of the room and sat down. He was right. As soon as he began to speak my life was changed forever.

We played music and shared memories. I didn’t want to speak. I was too scared. But God kept pushing me to tell a story, so I did.

“When my dad lived with me he would visit my church on occasion. As he began to see the changes in my life he would ask questions. We often talked about heaven. I could tell the Bible peaked his curiosity, but we never really touched on it much. When he was sent home and given three days to live I knew that was my chance to share heaven with him again. I sat by his bedside and asked him if he remembered all the talks we had about heaven. He nodded his head. He couldn’t speak. I asked him if he wanted to be assured that he had a place in heaven. He nodded his head. Dad, are you ready to ask Jesus Christ into your life? He shook his head yes. I read the sinner’s prayer to him. We said amen. Congratulations dad. You just got your ticket to heaven. Yup he said.”


I expected the pastor to touch on the subject of salvation. He didn’t. His whole sermon was on salvation. He talked about each of our lives, and how this life isn’t the greatest thing we know, even though some may think so. He spoke of the comfort my dad must have had knowing he was going to be with Jesus.

He centered his sermon around John 14:6. Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

He asked the question, “Is this the life you want, or do you want to know that something better is out there?” That room was filled with the Holy Spirit.

As he concluded the service, he asked us to bow our heads. He prayed. Then he invited those who wanted to give their lives to God – those who wanted to know what true life was all about to keep their heads bowed and pray the Sinner’s Prayer. As he said amen, he asked everyone to keep their eyes closed.

“No one can see you right now. Raise your hand if you said that prayer. Raise your hand if you have just accepted Christ into your heart.”

That was it. That was the end of my dad’s funeral. Or so I thought. Music played as everyone left. The room cleared out and everyone went back to their lives. There I stood wondering where to go next.

My pastor came up to me and held up his hand.

“Five people came to know the Lord today. Five people raised their hands.”

I was speechless. Five people received the gift of salvation because my dad had brought them there. A friend pointed out to me that my dad did more for five people in his death than he ever did in his life. She was so right. Praise God!

This may have been a sad day in my life, but it was such a happy day! Jesus was in that room. And five people that walked into that church lost, walked out found. Thank you Dad. Thank You Jesus!

I sat there in silence as everyone had left. All the flowers were gone, the music faded. God only allowed me to cry for a short time. Once again, as I sat in the cold chair, Jesus held my hand. I felt warmth. I felt love. I was okay.

I will be okay.

February 25, 2009

Everything was beginning to make sense. For almost two weeks I hadn’t felt good. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, but I knew something was different. I had headaches, dizziness, and sadness.

Two days before my dad died I had told a friend that something felt different. She prayed with me and comforted me, but I had the feeling in my heart that something just wasn’t right. I had no idea two days later I would have my answer.

My mother’s side of the family is what you would call extremely dysfunctional. We’ve had our ups and downs, but when a tragedy happens on that side of the family we all come together. My family seemed to show up in groups to be there for me. God once again provided. They weren’t even related to my dad, but yet they were there to comfort me. I truly felt loved.

I sifted through the few pictures of my dad that I had. There were so many years we didn’t have a relationship. I wonder what photographs we could have had of those memories. God kindly reminded me that didn’t matter. What memories I did have I could hold onto.

My pastor called to ask questions about how I wanted the service to go. I told him that there would be many lost people in the room. I hoped somehow he could reach them. He prayed with me and once again God showed up at the perfect time for comfort.

12:30 am

My mom lie by my side as I tried to drift off to sleep. There were so many things running through my mind.

“Is he really dead?”

My mom prolonged her answer, and then confirmed the truth with a headshake. It wasn’t real to me. I wonder when it will be.

I drifted off to sleep knowing that tomorrow would be one of the hardest days of my life.

February 24, 2009

4:08 am

I forgot to take my phone off vibrate from the night before. I didn’t hear it ring. I’m so glad God protected me from that phone call.

4:30 am

My mom walked through my bedroom door. She turned the light on and I jumped out of bed. She wouldn’t look at me. She walked to my closet and hung my clothes up. I stood there and said, “Mom what’s wrong?” She wouldn’t answer me. She wouldn’t turn around. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

She turned around and I sat back on the bed. She was crying. She stood at the corner of my bed and I heard the words, “Your dad passed away.”

I just shook my head and cried out. “I don’t understand! I don’t understand!” Those were the only words I could say. She held me while I cried. Everything around me was such a daze. The only thing I could see was Jesus. I felt His presence right beside me. I knew he had my daddy.

I felt such a calmness take over me. It wasn’t sadness. I wasn’t scared. I smiled. My “Pop” was with Jesus. I was so jealous.

My emotions went up and down. It seemed as though time just stopped. How is that one minute you’re talking to someone, but the next they’re gone? Wow!

He held on long enough to get his hearing. He fought for that and he finally got it. That’s all he was waiting for. There was no more suffering, no more addictions, and no more sadness.

My mom and friends surrounded me. They prayed over me and held me. I felt God’s unconditional love wrapped around me. It was time to plan a funeral. I definitely needed God’s unconditional love.

11:30 am

God’s grace and mercy traveled with me throughout the day. Grace was the only thing that could help me plan this funeral.

“Oh God I need you right now. Give me strength. Give me strength.” He did.

I planned a funeral. I wrote an obituary. I found a church. I called the pastor. And I managed to do it with grace and no tears. Oh how God was with me!

There were so many phone calls and hugs. Every time I began to cry God reminded me there was someone I needed to pray for. So I did. I prayed with so many people that day, and for so many people. Each time my heart began to ache I prayed for someone. And every time I felt peace.

I was certainly living in a dream. I was sleeping peacefully one minute, and the next I was planning a funeral for my dad. How quickly life can change.

God’s arms never let go of me. Jesus never left my side.

February 23, 2009

6:00 PM

I called to see how his test went. He was of course aggravated that the doctors didn’t know what they were doing – they never seem to know what they’re doing. I just laughed at him and said, “I can’t imagine that you weren’t part of the problem.” He laughed.

He was pretty quiet but I had an easy time understanding him. Usually I had to ask him to repeat himself a few times because of his rattled voice. He was very clear in his speaking.

He was worried about his throat and the fluid in his lungs. I told him not to worry. We would get it all taken care of after we got the results of his PET Scan. I told him everything was going to be okay. “I know,” he said.

I could tell something was different in him; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I was on my way to a church class and had to go. I told him I would call him back tomorrow. He started to say something then changed the subject.

“I’ll let you get back to your chores hon. I know you’re busy.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”

“Love you too hon.”

That was it. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. Our last words were “I love you.” What better way to end the last conversation.

February 22, 2009

He called and left a message for me: “Yeah it’s me hon. I just wanted to call you and talk to you for a minute. Nothing important. Sorry it’s been so long. I ain’t felt too good the last week or two. I know I should have at least called you and left a message. I’m sorry. Talk to you when I can. Love you and miss you. Bye.”

I called him back and his voice sounded different. He sounded calm. He let me know he finally got a hearing for his disability case. He was so excited. We talked about how long we had waited for this day. March 11, we would finally receive some good news. He finally felt like he had done something good. He was going to be able to provide for me. He kept insisting on buying me a truck. “I don’t need a truck Dad.” I was constantly telling him that.

He was going to the doctor the next day for his PET scan to get the results of his cancer treatment. I could tell he was nervous so I cracked some jokes to make him laugh. Then I let him know I was coming down for the weekend and we were going to spend Sunday together. He was so excited!

We made plans to take a small road trip. We were going to ride gravel roads all day and talk. I was looking so forward to it. He asked if we could bring the rifle and find a deer and I had to kindly remind him that there would be nothing illegal taking place on our trip.

Before we hung up I asked him if he could find a bible. He said he would look for one. I told him when he got scared or aggravated to read The Lord’s Prayer. I read it with him over the phone just before we hung up. He said, “If I read it every time I get aggravated, I’ll be reading it 24 hours a day.” I told him to repeat it however many times it took.

We enjoyed one last laugh and he told me he loved me. I told him I would call him tomorrow and check on him.