February 24, 2009

4:08 am

I forgot to take my phone off vibrate from the night before. I didn’t hear it ring. I’m so glad God protected me from that phone call.

4:30 am

My mom walked through my bedroom door. She turned the light on and I jumped out of bed. She wouldn’t look at me. She walked to my closet and hung my clothes up. I stood there and said, “Mom what’s wrong?” She wouldn’t answer me. She wouldn’t turn around. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

She turned around and I sat back on the bed. She was crying. She stood at the corner of my bed and I heard the words, “Your dad passed away.”

I just shook my head and cried out. “I don’t understand! I don’t understand!” Those were the only words I could say. She held me while I cried. Everything around me was such a daze. The only thing I could see was Jesus. I felt His presence right beside me. I knew he had my daddy.

I felt such a calmness take over me. It wasn’t sadness. I wasn’t scared. I smiled. My “Pop” was with Jesus. I was so jealous.

My emotions went up and down. It seemed as though time just stopped. How is that one minute you’re talking to someone, but the next they’re gone? Wow!

He held on long enough to get his hearing. He fought for that and he finally got it. That’s all he was waiting for. There was no more suffering, no more addictions, and no more sadness.

My mom and friends surrounded me. They prayed over me and held me. I felt God’s unconditional love wrapped around me. It was time to plan a funeral. I definitely needed God’s unconditional love.

11:30 am

God’s grace and mercy traveled with me throughout the day. Grace was the only thing that could help me plan this funeral.

“Oh God I need you right now. Give me strength. Give me strength.” He did.

I planned a funeral. I wrote an obituary. I found a church. I called the pastor. And I managed to do it with grace and no tears. Oh how God was with me!

There were so many phone calls and hugs. Every time I began to cry God reminded me there was someone I needed to pray for. So I did. I prayed with so many people that day, and for so many people. Each time my heart began to ache I prayed for someone. And every time I felt peace.

I was certainly living in a dream. I was sleeping peacefully one minute, and the next I was planning a funeral for my dad. How quickly life can change.

God’s arms never let go of me. Jesus never left my side.

February 23, 2009

6:00 PM

I called to see how his test went. He was of course aggravated that the doctors didn’t know what they were doing – they never seem to know what they’re doing. I just laughed at him and said, “I can’t imagine that you weren’t part of the problem.” He laughed.

He was pretty quiet but I had an easy time understanding him. Usually I had to ask him to repeat himself a few times because of his rattled voice. He was very clear in his speaking.

He was worried about his throat and the fluid in his lungs. I told him not to worry. We would get it all taken care of after we got the results of his PET Scan. I told him everything was going to be okay. “I know,” he said.

I could tell something was different in him; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I was on my way to a church class and had to go. I told him I would call him back tomorrow. He started to say something then changed the subject.

“I’ll let you get back to your chores hon. I know you’re busy.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”

“Love you too hon.”

That was it. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. Our last words were “I love you.” What better way to end the last conversation.

February 22, 2009

He called and left a message for me: “Yeah it’s me hon. I just wanted to call you and talk to you for a minute. Nothing important. Sorry it’s been so long. I ain’t felt too good the last week or two. I know I should have at least called you and left a message. I’m sorry. Talk to you when I can. Love you and miss you. Bye.”

I called him back and his voice sounded different. He sounded calm. He let me know he finally got a hearing for his disability case. He was so excited. We talked about how long we had waited for this day. March 11, we would finally receive some good news. He finally felt like he had done something good. He was going to be able to provide for me. He kept insisting on buying me a truck. “I don’t need a truck Dad.” I was constantly telling him that.

He was going to the doctor the next day for his PET scan to get the results of his cancer treatment. I could tell he was nervous so I cracked some jokes to make him laugh. Then I let him know I was coming down for the weekend and we were going to spend Sunday together. He was so excited!

We made plans to take a small road trip. We were going to ride gravel roads all day and talk. I was looking so forward to it. He asked if we could bring the rifle and find a deer and I had to kindly remind him that there would be nothing illegal taking place on our trip.

Before we hung up I asked him if he could find a bible. He said he would look for one. I told him when he got scared or aggravated to read The Lord’s Prayer. I read it with him over the phone just before we hung up. He said, “If I read it every time I get aggravated, I’ll be reading it 24 hours a day.” I told him to repeat it however many times it took.

We enjoyed one last laugh and he told me he loved me. I told him I would call him tomorrow and check on him.